Good for Goodell...

Let’s get this out right now. I have no sympathy for Michael Vick, Plaxico Burress, or Donte Stallworth. I’m tired of a different set of judicial standards for pampered professional athletes (as well as movie stars, rich heiresses with tiny dogs, etc.), so I applaud the NFL’s indefinite suspension of Stallworth and the same rumored punishment that may be coming down the pipes for Vick and Burress...

This is black and white (and spare me the bigoted ‘race card’ babble – any player of any skin color should be punished with equal severity). Vick condoned dogfighting on his property. Stallworth killed another human being with his car while intoxicated. Burress took a loaded firearm into a public place and allowed said gun to discharge.

If you or I had done any of the three aforementioned illegal acts, we would be avoiding a shower bend-over for a long, long time. In addition, when we finally got out of jail, our former employers would most likely not let us come back to work. You see, there’s that little box you have to check on a job application…you know, the one asking if you’ve ever been convicted of a felony? If you check that box and supply the subsequent detail, your application is 99.9% guaranteed to be food for the paper shredder...

So why should we cry and whine about denying these three detestable men their ‘right to earn a living’? Let them hop from the cracked pavement of a grungy street corner into the back of a rusty pickup truck at 6 AM and get them to mow lawns or do drywall. Why should their athletic gifts allow them to automatically start earning millions of dollars again the minute our justice system has finished giving them a slap on the wrist? The simple, logical answer…they shouldn’t. Giving someone a ‘second chance’ doesn’t mean giving them a free pass back onto Easy Street. Rehabilitation shouldn’t include an immediate return to swigging Dom Perignon and owning automatic weapons. Let the hammer come down...hard.

In Goodell We Trust!!!

When a Major is a Minor...

So the 2009 U.S. Open has come and gone. Tiger didn’t contend. Phil made a run but came up short. Who topped arguably the two best golfers in the world? Lucas Glover. Not Luke Skywalker. Not Danny Glover. Not George Lucas. Not Crispin Glover. Lucas “I’ll Never Win Another Major” Glover...

Image Courtesy The Huffington Post
Don’t get me wrong. Those who know my opinions on golf (and now you, faithful blog reader) know that I hate the tunnel vision the PGA & the television networks take towards any tournament Tiger is in. Tiger could be clipping a hangnail off the 14th green and it would be featured (and endlessly repeated & looped) on “SportsCenter” and “60 Minutes” for the next five days. I root against Tiger. He’s the greatest golfer ever. But I want him to fail because he’s in control of the PGA Tour, not vice versa as it should be...

But I digress. My real problem with Lucas Glover winning the ’09 U.S. Open is simple. Zach Johnson at the ’07 Masters. Michael Campbell at the ’05 U.S. Open. Todd Hamilton at the ’04 British Open. Ben Curtis at the ’03 British Open. Shaun Micheel at the ’03 PGA Championship.

I don’t begrudge a good Cinderella story in any team sport, but individual sports flow differently. If you have the mental toughness and straight-up cajones to win a major in golf (or tennis, for that matter), you should be able to contend for the big money in your sport for at least the next decade. No exceptions. This ‘one and done’ crap we’ve been getting in golf outside of Tiger, Phil, and a few select others hurts the sport almost as much as Tiger dominating the cameras & the crowns. Guys like Micheel, Curtis, and now Glover need to step up for more than just their 4 shining days in the sun (or 5 in the overcast gloom if you’re Lucas). While Tiger’s cashing in his Dubai checks or just playing the apathy card, these ‘young guns’ need to keep us interested in more than just four professional tournaments a year. They need to be the vanguard for the future of golf. Tiger is Darth. Lucas needs to be Luke...

Who’s your daddy, Mr. Glover?

The Summer of the Maestro’s Discontent

Image Courtesy Baseball Hall of Fame
Wow. It wasn’t enough that the Orlando Magic teased me like Megan Fox in all of her release party “Transformers” pics, but now the hammer has officially fallen on this humble blogger’s head. My second favorite Cub has been busted...Sammy Sosa used PEDs, according to the New York Times. Thank the heavens & Harry Carey that I never renounced my ultimate devotion to Ryno...hey, put the needle down, Sandberg!!!

Anywho, I’m not naïve (except when it comes to the universally-shared middle-age male fallacy that I could still be attractive to 98% of women...Megan Fox included...with just a sly turn of phase and a manly toss of my thinning hair) but I still wanted to hold out hope that the “I don’t speak English” crap from the Congressional hearings a few years back was the act of a stupid man, not a cheating man (hey, there’s a country song in there somewhere)...

So now Sosa joins McGwire, Palmeiro, Tejada, Giambi, A-Rod, and all the rest of the charlatans of baseball who duped us for over a decade. I could go into how New York Yankee rogues seem to get a lighter guilt trip from the media than those from the Midwest (“Pretty Boy” Alex vs. Big “I’m Not Here To Talk About The Past” Mac in a handicap match!), but what’s the point? They’re all basically liars and scum. Unfortunately, I’m convinced that a few will find a way into the Hall of Fame (here’s betting that Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez somehow get a bust after being busted). Not Slammin’ Sammy, though. His homer hop & impish grin will fade into obscurity like mood rings & Vanilla Ice.

This I swear - if Jay Cutler breaks his leg in training camp, I’m switching from sports to macramé...or macaroni...or Macarena...

Should’ve Left Well Enough Alone…

All true Cubs fans want to win. The drunk college kids in the bleachers who pretend to be Cubbie supporters will drink fourteen Old Styles whether the score is 12-0 or 2-1, but those of us who bleed blue & red just want this Goat/Bartman/Garvey thing to go away and want the Northsiders to WIN A FREAKIN’ WORLD SERIES ALREADY!!!

Ahem…anyway, it is just after 5:00 PM EST and I have witnessed yet another disappointing loss (in this case, to the Twins 2-0, where the mighty Cubs offense could muster only 5 hits and zero runs) in what is rapidly turning into Season of Discontent #101. Who’s to blame? I can’t call Lou out. He can only do so much with what he’s given. Therefore and ergo, I blame the giver…

AP Photo/M. Spencer Green
Mr. Jim Hendry. I supported you through the brilliant trade for Randall Simon, Aramis Ramirez, and Kenny Lofton years ago. I thought you were a genius for the Alfonso Soriano signing (oops…my bad). Harden, DeRosa, Reed Johnson…all strokes of genius. Now, I look back at the last year & a half and I wonder if you didn’t sustain a severe blow to the head right before you fell in love with Kosuke Fukudome…

Hell, I can even forgive the Fukudome deal. You took a shot, right? Hey, you wouldn’t be the first GM to get hosed by a ‘can’t miss’ prospect from the Far East. But some of the acts you have perpetrated recently (especially over the last eight months) make me wonder if a rubber room in the press box at Wrigley needs to be constructed just for you.

First, let’s chat about the man who played you like a board game, Milton Bradley. I screamed and yelled for you to take a hard look at Bobby Abreu…a cheaper option with more speed and a hitter still capable of a solid .300/20/80 year…but NOOOOOOOO. You ignored Bradley’s temperament and lack of consistent time in the field and threw money at him. The result as of June 13, 2009? A .226 batting average, an abysmal .380 slugging percentage, and a whopping 16 RBI. Wow – two more years of this and Cub fans will be playing Life and Chutes & Ladders instead of attending games at Wrigley Field…

Second, shipping Mark DeRosa out of town simply because he was going into the last year of his contract was Gump-like, without the unintended & naïve positive twist result. Every time his erstwhile replacement, Aaron Miles, takes the field, I cringe. If Tony LaRussa dumped the guy, why would you think he’d be a stud for us?!?! Wait…maybe that’s the ticket. It’s sabotage! Those stinkin’ Cardinals!!!

Third, and finally, Aaron Heilman, savior of the bullpen…enough said.

If things keep going like this in ’09, you may need to reserve a seat (fully equipped with buckled restraints, of course) for me in that ultra-cool safe room they’re gonna build you, buddy…

Frenzy Fallout - 6/10/09

Love the fact that the Magic were able to bounce back & win Game 3 of the NBA Finals.
Hate the fact that they blew a couple of great shots (thanks, Courtney) at winning Game 2 in Los Angeles.
Love the fact that Orlando set a Finals record with 62.5 percent FG shooting in Game 3.
Hate the fact that they still only won Game 3 by four points.
Love the fact that Stan Van Gundy has a wicked sense of humor.
Hate the fact that the Magic will still lose the series in six games...

A Moment with “Holier Than Thou” Tony

I feel so dirty. I must be a sinner. Why? Well, I guess it boils down to the fact that I don’t think I could ever live up to the high and pious standard of human existence that Tony Dungy has established for me, let alone for the rest of humanity. I mean, if Pope Tony is going to call out Jay Cutler for a little nighttime partying on Rush Street, what hope is there for the rest of us???

Okay, I admit that I’m being a bit sarcastic here, but I’ve never been on the “Tony Dungy Traveling Snake Oil Bandwagon” like most pundits and players in and around the professional football world. I know that he’s done wonderful things for various churches, charities, and communities far & wide, but then again, so did Jimmie Swaggart and Jim Bakker.

NOTE: Please keep your distance with the pitchforks and torches until I explain myself, kids!!!

First, let’s take a look at Coach Dungy through the same humble eyes he professes to gaze upon God’s realm with. Michael Vick, a perjuring animal abuser, has somehow earned Dungy’s forgiveness & well wishes because he went to jail for a few years and came out a ‘changed man’; Jay Cutler, however, will burn in Satan’s realm for all eternity because he likes to go out and down a few shots after practice.

Give Tony some thick glasses, a frumpy dress, and a goofy wig, and we’ve got the Second Coming of the Church Lady!!!

Seriously, is this the insight we can expect from Dungy as a studio commentator? What pearls of wisdom can we look forward to next? Will he break the story on President Obama predicting the Steelers to repeat as Super Bowl champs as he walks on water?

Which one walks on water, you may ask? Flip a coin, I guess…

I am compelled to confess at this point in the proceedings that my two favorite teams are the Chicago Bears and the Tampa Bay Bucs, so I can simultaneously express outrage at Coach Dungy’s comments about Chicago’s new franchise quarterback as well as articulate gratitude for his helping to guide Tampa Bay to new heights…until Jon Gruden came along.

Blasphemer!!! Those were Tony’s players that The Evil One known as Chucky won with!!!

Hmmmmm. First off, I thought the GM selected the players, not the coach (unless you’re Mike Holmgren, of course). Second, the simple fact is that Dungy couldn’t get the job done. Gruden could. Same team, better results for Chucky…

Now, let’s move on to Indianapolis. As in Tampa, consistently solid winning percentages followed Coach Dungy year after year. A dynasty in the making? Nope. One Super Bowl victory over a Bears team led by the legendary Rex Grossman. Not exactly the stuff that Hall of Fame coaching legends are made of. Heck, the aforementioned Holmgren got to the Super Bowl with two different franchises, winning one with Green Bay & losing another with Seattle in a badly officiated debacle to the Steelers. Yet Dungy is mentioned as a mortal (or immortal?) lock for Canton while Holmgren might get in if he comes back for one more go-round to pad his numbers.

Again, I stress that Dungy is easily a better man and better coach than this humble sports blogger could ever hope to be. However, every man is flawed and every man can be prideful. Question authority, question your elders, and question those among us who seem too good to be true. In summation, question Tony Dungy because others don’t have the cajones to.

Let us drink…um, pray.

Could This Be Magic or Could This Be…Kobe?

The Scorpions, those balding yet mullet-enhanced immortal metal gods from Germany, graced us with a tune some years back entitled "Tease Me, Please Me"...and it was good. As a theme song for the Chicago Cubs? We'll save that for another post...or maybe 400 of them. For now, let’s just say that the tune would be appropriate as a stadium-rousing statement for the 2008-2009 Orlando Magic.

As a self-proclaimed (and cynical) Magic fan, I would have to say Game 1 of the 2009 NBA Finals could best be described as an emotional crapshoot. Hey, we weren’t even supposed to be here, right? Ask Paul Pierce and LeBron 'I Can Pout Because I’m The Face of the NBA' James.

The first quarter Thursday night against the Lakers was satisfying enough – a tough, hard-fought period where Orlando grabbed a slim lead and led us Magic diehards to believe that we had a shot at stealing a game out in La-La Land. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Photo courtesy ESPN/Jeff Gross/Getty Images
Granted, the boys from the Realm of Mickey (Southeastern Branch, not Western) started off slowly against Boston and Cleveland as well, but this one feels different. I am not a Bynum/Gasol proponent by any means, but Dwight Howard looks to be in trouble on the defensive end against the two-headed 'Hydra of Mediocrity' that Pau and Andrew represent for the sometimes-interested city of Los Angeles. In fact, they give the Hollywood boys an edge that Big Ben & Z in Cleveland and the Powe/Perkins tandem in Boston couldn’t hope to match.

Maybe the Magic have hit the wall. Maybe they’ll surprise us all yet again. After all, they’ve already exceeded expectations and achieved what Shaq and Penny could only pull off once before in Orlando’s brief professional basketball history.

That being said, make it hard for Kobe. Make him work for it. Just like you made Rajon Rondo and Ray Allen sweat it out. Just like you made the King and His Minions toil and slog. Those of us who remember the NBA of Jordan, Magic, Bird, and Dr. J are still skeptical about David Stern’s hype machine and the touting of Kobe (and LeBron) as the best the game has ever offered. TV ratings may be better with Bryant involved, but I’m skeptical as to whether the game itself is a better product...