The Maestro’s 2009 NFL Picks & Predictions

Well, I’m typing out this blog post at 8:55 PM on Thursday, September 10, 2009 - the Steelers & Titans have each had the ball twice, and the NFL season is officially game on!!! What better time than now for all of you denizens of the blogosphere to feast on The Maestro’s full-season prognostications?!?!

2009 AFC Division Winners: Titans, Chargers, Patriots, Steelers
2009 AFC Wild Card Teams: Colts, Ravens

No big shockers here. There just doesn’t seem to be any positive buzz surrounding the rest of the squads in the AFC. With Tom Brady & Shawne Merriman healthy, the Patriots and Chargers should meet in the AFC Championship, and despite Norv Turner’s worst intentions, Philip Rivers & LT will get San Diego to the Super Bowl…

Other AFC Notes: Peyton Manning will struggle a bit with a weak offensive line - he may even get hurt and (gasp) miss a game or two. Miami will fall back to the pack this year, and the ‘Wildcat’ formation will prove to be a quickly fading fad (fingers crossed). Following in the footsteps of Romeo Crennel, Charlie Weis, and Eric Mangini, Scott Pioli in Kansas City & Josh McDaniels in Denver will once again prove that the fruit falls very, very far from the Bill Belichick tree.

2009 NFC Division Winners: Eagles, Saints, Packers, Seahawks
2009 NFC Wild Card Teams: Falcons, Vikings

The power has clearly shifted to the NFC. With Jay Cutler, Albert Haynesworth, Tony Gonzalez, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, and Brett Favre jumping ship, the AFC looks a bit thin – no offense, Kyle Orton. Some really good teams (Giants, Cardinals, Bears) will be on the outside looking in. Look for the Eagles and Packers in the NFC Championship; “The Redemption Bowl” will feature Aaron Rodgers & Green Bay triumphing over Michael Vick & Philly.

Other NFC Notes: Favre will be a monumental headache for Minnesota; they’ll get into the playoffs as a Wild Card only because of Adrian Peterson & a solid defensive unit. Dallas will need a major overhaul (See ya, Wade Phillips! Bye, Roy Williams! You’re on notice, Tony Romo!) after a mediocre season. The NFC West will still be unbelievably weak when compared to the other three divisions. Tampa Bay will edge Detroit and St. Louis for worst record in the conference.

Super Bowl: Chargers over Packers
MVP: Philip Rivers edges Aaron Rodgers and Adrian Peterson

As always, comments and criticisms are welcome - remember to watch our weekly picks throughout the season on YouTube, kids!!!

A Moment with “Holier Than Thou” Tony

I feel so dirty. I must be a sinner. Why? Well, I guess it boils down to the fact that I don’t think I could ever live up to the high and pious standard of human existence that Tony Dungy has established for me, let alone for the rest of humanity. I mean, if Pope Tony is going to call out Jay Cutler for a little nighttime partying on Rush Street, what hope is there for the rest of us???

Okay, I admit that I’m being a bit sarcastic here, but I’ve never been on the “Tony Dungy Traveling Snake Oil Bandwagon” like most pundits and players in and around the professional football world. I know that he’s done wonderful things for various churches, charities, and communities far & wide, but then again, so did Jimmie Swaggart and Jim Bakker.

NOTE: Please keep your distance with the pitchforks and torches until I explain myself, kids!!!

First, let’s take a look at Coach Dungy through the same humble eyes he professes to gaze upon God’s realm with. Michael Vick, a perjuring animal abuser, has somehow earned Dungy’s forgiveness & well wishes because he went to jail for a few years and came out a ‘changed man’; Jay Cutler, however, will burn in Satan’s realm for all eternity because he likes to go out and down a few shots after practice.

Give Tony some thick glasses, a frumpy dress, and a goofy wig, and we’ve got the Second Coming of the Church Lady!!!

Seriously, is this the insight we can expect from Dungy as a studio commentator? What pearls of wisdom can we look forward to next? Will he break the story on President Obama predicting the Steelers to repeat as Super Bowl champs as he walks on water?

Which one walks on water, you may ask? Flip a coin, I guess…

I am compelled to confess at this point in the proceedings that my two favorite teams are the Chicago Bears and the Tampa Bay Bucs, so I can simultaneously express outrage at Coach Dungy’s comments about Chicago’s new franchise quarterback as well as articulate gratitude for his helping to guide Tampa Bay to new heights…until Jon Gruden came along.

Blasphemer!!! Those were Tony’s players that The Evil One known as Chucky won with!!!

Hmmmmm. First off, I thought the GM selected the players, not the coach (unless you’re Mike Holmgren, of course). Second, the simple fact is that Dungy couldn’t get the job done. Gruden could. Same team, better results for Chucky…

Now, let’s move on to Indianapolis. As in Tampa, consistently solid winning percentages followed Coach Dungy year after year. A dynasty in the making? Nope. One Super Bowl victory over a Bears team led by the legendary Rex Grossman. Not exactly the stuff that Hall of Fame coaching legends are made of. Heck, the aforementioned Holmgren got to the Super Bowl with two different franchises, winning one with Green Bay & losing another with Seattle in a badly officiated debacle to the Steelers. Yet Dungy is mentioned as a mortal (or immortal?) lock for Canton while Holmgren might get in if he comes back for one more go-round to pad his numbers.

Again, I stress that Dungy is easily a better man and better coach than this humble sports blogger could ever hope to be. However, every man is flawed and every man can be prideful. Question authority, question your elders, and question those among us who seem too good to be true. In summation, question Tony Dungy because others don’t have the cajones to.

Let us drink…um, pray.