No Need To Panic…

Urlacher is done for the year. Cutler looked lost in Green Bay. We’re still checking to see if Lovie has a pulse. The Steelers, the defending Super Bowl champions, come to town this Sunday afternoon.

Reason to freak out? Not really.

Hey, The Maestro was a bit shaken too after the debacle in Green Bay last Sunday night. However, it was only one game, and it was a game that the Bears were expected to lose anyway. Same goes for this week with Pittsburgh. An 0-2 start was a definite possibility we were all looking at BEFORE the Week One disaster against the Packers.

The Bears can survive without Urlacher. Cutler can only get better (and he will). The issues Chicago really has to address in the coming weeks are as follows:

1) Can Lovie Smith continue to coach up the defense without Urlacher? Smith is a dopey automaton as a head coach, but he can definitely guide a defensive unit. Look at how the D kept the Bears in the game against Green Bay despite Cutler’s picks and the early loss of two starting linebackers. Will Lovie be able to keep this unit focused like that for the next 15 games?

2) Speaking of coaches, can somebody fire Ron Turner already? I’ve seen that stupid middle screen he calls constantly burn Grossman, Orton, and now Cutler. Yet Turner continues to keep it in the playbook. Yes, the receivers are young and inexperienced, but a good o-coordinator should be able to overcome that to some extent. Turner can’t. He needs to take the fall this year if the offense continues to struggle. If Jay Cutler stinks after working with a new coordinator next season, then we can write him off too…

3) Will Jerry Angelo keep sitting on his butt, patting himself on the back for the Cutler deal, or will he go out and try to make this team better immediately? Yes, Derrick Brooks, Amani Toomer, and Marvin Harrison are getting old, but this team needs help NOW. Without a #1 pick next year, contingency plans have to kick in after that embarrassing Packers loss. A minimal amount of cap space will get you Brooks, Toomer, and Harrison to help out this year. If one or two of the trio pan out, Angelo looks like a genius again. If he does nothing, Jerry is obviously the Vanderbilt-obsessed moron some of us think he truly is…

There you go, Bears fans. Chill out, take the Pittsburgh spanking with class (“Thank you, Ben!!! May I have another?!?!”), and look forward to the rest of the year with some measure of optimism. The playoffs may not loom for us this season, but the future’s so bright, I gotta wear my Devin Hester jersey with pride everywhere!!!

The Maestro’s 2009 NFL Picks & Predictions

Well, I’m typing out this blog post at 8:55 PM on Thursday, September 10, 2009 - the Steelers & Titans have each had the ball twice, and the NFL season is officially game on!!! What better time than now for all of you denizens of the blogosphere to feast on The Maestro’s full-season prognostications?!?!

2009 AFC Division Winners: Titans, Chargers, Patriots, Steelers
2009 AFC Wild Card Teams: Colts, Ravens

No big shockers here. There just doesn’t seem to be any positive buzz surrounding the rest of the squads in the AFC. With Tom Brady & Shawne Merriman healthy, the Patriots and Chargers should meet in the AFC Championship, and despite Norv Turner’s worst intentions, Philip Rivers & LT will get San Diego to the Super Bowl…

Other AFC Notes: Peyton Manning will struggle a bit with a weak offensive line - he may even get hurt and (gasp) miss a game or two. Miami will fall back to the pack this year, and the ‘Wildcat’ formation will prove to be a quickly fading fad (fingers crossed). Following in the footsteps of Romeo Crennel, Charlie Weis, and Eric Mangini, Scott Pioli in Kansas City & Josh McDaniels in Denver will once again prove that the fruit falls very, very far from the Bill Belichick tree.

2009 NFC Division Winners: Eagles, Saints, Packers, Seahawks
2009 NFC Wild Card Teams: Falcons, Vikings

The power has clearly shifted to the NFC. With Jay Cutler, Albert Haynesworth, Tony Gonzalez, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, and Brett Favre jumping ship, the AFC looks a bit thin – no offense, Kyle Orton. Some really good teams (Giants, Cardinals, Bears) will be on the outside looking in. Look for the Eagles and Packers in the NFC Championship; “The Redemption Bowl” will feature Aaron Rodgers & Green Bay triumphing over Michael Vick & Philly.

Other NFC Notes: Favre will be a monumental headache for Minnesota; they’ll get into the playoffs as a Wild Card only because of Adrian Peterson & a solid defensive unit. Dallas will need a major overhaul (See ya, Wade Phillips! Bye, Roy Williams! You’re on notice, Tony Romo!) after a mediocre season. The NFC West will still be unbelievably weak when compared to the other three divisions. Tampa Bay will edge Detroit and St. Louis for worst record in the conference.

Super Bowl: Chargers over Packers
MVP: Philip Rivers edges Aaron Rodgers and Adrian Peterson

As always, comments and criticisms are welcome - remember to watch our weekly picks throughout the season on YouTube, kids!!!

The Maestro’s Late Summer Rants

Yes, I know I’ve been away for too long, people…time to get back in blogging shape!!! Here are the sports stories from the last few weeks that have The Maestro fuming…

Rick Pitino, The Arrogant One: Dude, stop talking about the salad bar tryst you had with the woman you paid off to get an abortion. Stop saying everything is a lie except what comes from you. Maybe I’m a cynic, but the ‘concrete’ statement she made to the police rings true. Notice the resemblance between ‘Don’ Pitino and Al Pacino circa “The Godfather, Part II”??? Me too…

Brett Favre, The Excuse Maker: The yearly retirement waffling is bad enough, Wrangler Man. Now you’ve got to give us a list of physical ailments that you can use as built-in excuses for poor performance once the regular season begins? Cracked ribs, torn rotator cuff, creaky elbow, small balls…whatever. Get over it and play. Urlacher & Briggs are waitin’ for ya, bud…

Michael Vick, The Persecuted Man: Okay, I agree with the basic tenet that every person makes mistakes and deserves a second chance. I’ll even give Mike a pass on the Grey Goose incident (although I concur with Tony Dungy - you can’t do that). However, let’s not play the race card on this one, people. The NAACP has no place staging rallies for Vick outside of Eagles games just because PETA may be there to protest as well. This debacle is yet another example of how the NAACP (along with the ACLU and most labor unions) always goes too far in ‘protecting their own’…

Donovan McNabb, He Who Wants To Have His Cake & Eat It Too: Speaking of Vick, you’ve gotta love the ‘throat slash’ McNabb used on his o-coordinator to essentially end Mike’s first preseason appearance with Philly. News flash, Donovan - you can’t lobby for your team to pick up a guy (another QB, no less) and then decide six plays into his first game that ‘there’s no rhythm’. That excuse may work with Vanilla Ice, but not here…

Milton Bradley, The OTHER Persecuted Man: No, Milton - Cubs fans aren’t booing because you’re black. They’re giving you the catcall treatment because you’re petulant, you’ve underperformed, and you’re just a nasty person. When Tim McCarver (among others) says the Cubs should eat the $20 mil left on your deal & cut you after the season, maybe the man in the mirror is the one you should be chastising…

Mark Martin, The Gambler: You’re not old enough to use senility as an excuse, bud. When you have a chance to lock down a Chase spot (as you did at Michigan a few weeks back), play it safe! If your crew chief wants to gamble on fuel, tell him to kiss your wrinkled ass and pull into the pits for a top-off!!!

Lou Holtz & Beano Cook, The Two Stooges: Notre Dame in the BCS Championship? Really? We all know Holtz is a blatant homer, but enough is enough. Great coach, terrible analyst. And Beano? How the hell is he still allowed in front of a television camera? His turkey waddle scares my kid, and his ‘Ron Powlus will win multiple Heisman Trophies’ prediction scarred me for life…

Well, now I feel better. Hey, be sure to check out “Sports Frenzy 2.0” on YouTube for the latest vitriol from the rest of the crew. After all, The Maestro simply conducts…The Conquistador, The Elder Statesman, Huggy Bear, The Cleveland Kid, and Mr. 300 are the REALLY angry ones!!!

The Maestro’s Fantasy Football Preview 2009

Down through the years, through cable access television & YouTube & now blogs, the other members of the extended “Sports Frenzy” family have been merciless in their ridicule of The Maestro and his proclivity to play fantasy sports. However, those of you out there who partake of the bittersweet nectar that is fantasy football (or baseball or NASCAR or shuffleboard) know that it’s a beguiling elixir that can elicit endless joy or bring about profound depression. Just remember to indulge in moderation, kids...

So, without further ado (and without any more melodramatic metaphors), let’s look at some 2009 sleepers and overrated duds in each major NFL category, shall we?

Quarterbacks: Sleepers - Matt Schaub, Texans (Gary Kubiak’s in a make-or-break year as head coach & there’s nobody even close to Schaub on the depth chart); Sage Rosenfels, Vikings (looking more and more like the starter, has All-Day as his RB and some good young receivers)
Duds - Marc Bulger, Rams (a one-year wonder a few years removed, has nobody to throw to); Matt Cassel (no Tony Gonzalez, hasn’t proven himself worthy of huge contract yet)

Running Backs: Sleepers - Ryan Grant, Packers (why is his short holdout LAST season affecting his value THIS season?); Brandon Jacobs, Giants (Derrick Ward isn’t around to steal his touches this year); Ray Rice, Ravens (will rack up yardage as he puts McGahee on the bench, but McClain may swipe some TDs)
Duds - Anybody stuck in a ‘running back by committee’ situation (Carolina, Oakland, Tampa Bay, Tennessee, Indianapolis)

Wide Receivers: Sleepers - Marques Colston, Saints (he’ll come back with a vengeance this season, mark my words); Anthony Gonzalez, Colts (takes over for Marvin Harrison as one of Peyton Manning’s ‘Three Amigos’ with Wayne & Clark); Nate Washington, Titans (might be the weapon Kerry Collins needs); Domenik Hixon, Giants (Eli has to find his new Plaxico)
Duds - Denver receivers (that means you, Brandon Marshall & Eddie Royal); Roy Williams (another brilliant Jerry Jones acquisition…note sarcasm); Calvin Johnson (yes, he may be the best of all the Lions first-round receivers from the last decade, but Matthew Stafford needs some time to figure the pro game out before he can make CJ’s stats more impressive)

Tight Ends: Sleepers - Greg Olsen, Bears (two words...Jay Cutler); Kellen Winslow Jr., Tampa Bay (yes, despite all the issues, I still believe)
Duds - Todd Heap, Ravens (if a rookie QB won’t throw you the ball as an ‘elite’ tight end, your productive days are officially over); Jason Witten, Cowboys (will still be solid but fewer options at WR for Dallas means defenses will key on him more often)

Kickers: Sleepers - Jason Elam, Falcons (yes, he’s old but young Matt Ryan & the Atlanta offense will only get better this year, especially with a happy...and rich...Roddy White and new TE acquisition Tony Gonzalez on board)
Duds - Matt Prater, Denver (Cutler for Orton swap means less opportunities)

Defense/STs: Sleepers - New York Jets (Rex Ryan will make the D solid & Leon Washington’s always a return threat); San Diego Chargers (weak division plus Merriman’s healthy & Darren Sproles is still around); Green Bay (Dom Capers will help A.J. Hawk & company achieve their potential)
Duds - Chicago Bears (NFC Central is getting better offensively & secondary is extremely weak); Tampa Bay Buccaneers (iffy offense will lose time of possession battle every week, and the defense will wear down quickly)

There you go, people…save me a brew at your celebratory late December victory bash!!!

Stringer vs. Riddell Inc.

Eight years. That’s how long it has been since the unfortunate death of Korey Stringer, Vikings offensive lineman, to heat stroke during training camp. Eight years and his family is now suing Riddell Inc., the company that made the helmet and shoulder pads worn by Korey at the time of his death. His death was not due to his equipment, but to not drinking enough water or letting his coaches know how he was feeling.

Last week in Ohio, U.S. District Court judge John D. Holschuh wrote it was "reasonably foreseeable ... that a user of [Riddell's] helmets and shoulder pads during extremely hot and humid conditions might suffer from a heat stroke." And that Riddell Inc. “owed Stringer a duty to warn” that its helmets and shoulder pads could contribute to heat stroke when used in hot conditions and the case would go to jury trial. They had a duty to warn him? This young man played football most of his life in helmets and shoulder pads and knew that he would get hot while wearing them. When the hell does personal responsibility come in to play? Why should the company that made the equipment be held accountable for not warning him he could get heat stroke? As a country, are we becoming that stupid that we have to have our hands held in every area of our lives?

Stringer Family attorney, Paul DeMarco said, "Any manufacturer who sells football helmets and shoulder pads without a heat stroke warning, knowing they're being used in extreme heat, does so at its peril. The same goes for leagues, coaches, and equipment managers who permit such equipment to be used without heat stroke warnings."

Ok, I will agree that leagues and coaches should have responsibility to make sure their players are aware of the possibility of heat stroke and should make sure every player gets plenty of water and periodic rest during high heat and humid conditions. But holding equipment manufacturers responsible is insane.

This harkens back to McDonalds coffee is hot… no kidding. How many of you were appalled and outraged by that lawsuit? This lawsuit is along the same lines. This is the reason lawyers are so disliked and costs continue to escalate. WHERE DOES PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY COME BACK INTO PLAY!?!? I guess in today’s society everyone else is to blame.

You know what? I had a softball take a bad bounce Friday night during my game and it hit me in the shin causing a subdural hematoma. I think I will sue the maker of the softball for pain and suffering.

Good for Goodell...

Let’s get this out right now. I have no sympathy for Michael Vick, Plaxico Burress, or Donte Stallworth. I’m tired of a different set of judicial standards for pampered professional athletes (as well as movie stars, rich heiresses with tiny dogs, etc.), so I applaud the NFL’s indefinite suspension of Stallworth and the same rumored punishment that may be coming down the pipes for Vick and Burress...

This is black and white (and spare me the bigoted ‘race card’ babble – any player of any skin color should be punished with equal severity). Vick condoned dogfighting on his property. Stallworth killed another human being with his car while intoxicated. Burress took a loaded firearm into a public place and allowed said gun to discharge.

If you or I had done any of the three aforementioned illegal acts, we would be avoiding a shower bend-over for a long, long time. In addition, when we finally got out of jail, our former employers would most likely not let us come back to work. You see, there’s that little box you have to check on a job application…you know, the one asking if you’ve ever been convicted of a felony? If you check that box and supply the subsequent detail, your application is 99.9% guaranteed to be food for the paper shredder...

So why should we cry and whine about denying these three detestable men their ‘right to earn a living’? Let them hop from the cracked pavement of a grungy street corner into the back of a rusty pickup truck at 6 AM and get them to mow lawns or do drywall. Why should their athletic gifts allow them to automatically start earning millions of dollars again the minute our justice system has finished giving them a slap on the wrist? The simple, logical answer…they shouldn’t. Giving someone a ‘second chance’ doesn’t mean giving them a free pass back onto Easy Street. Rehabilitation shouldn’t include an immediate return to swigging Dom Perignon and owning automatic weapons. Let the hammer come down...hard.

In Goodell We Trust!!!

A Moment with “Holier Than Thou” Tony

I feel so dirty. I must be a sinner. Why? Well, I guess it boils down to the fact that I don’t think I could ever live up to the high and pious standard of human existence that Tony Dungy has established for me, let alone for the rest of humanity. I mean, if Pope Tony is going to call out Jay Cutler for a little nighttime partying on Rush Street, what hope is there for the rest of us???

Okay, I admit that I’m being a bit sarcastic here, but I’ve never been on the “Tony Dungy Traveling Snake Oil Bandwagon” like most pundits and players in and around the professional football world. I know that he’s done wonderful things for various churches, charities, and communities far & wide, but then again, so did Jimmie Swaggart and Jim Bakker.

NOTE: Please keep your distance with the pitchforks and torches until I explain myself, kids!!!

First, let’s take a look at Coach Dungy through the same humble eyes he professes to gaze upon God’s realm with. Michael Vick, a perjuring animal abuser, has somehow earned Dungy’s forgiveness & well wishes because he went to jail for a few years and came out a ‘changed man’; Jay Cutler, however, will burn in Satan’s realm for all eternity because he likes to go out and down a few shots after practice.

Give Tony some thick glasses, a frumpy dress, and a goofy wig, and we’ve got the Second Coming of the Church Lady!!!

Seriously, is this the insight we can expect from Dungy as a studio commentator? What pearls of wisdom can we look forward to next? Will he break the story on President Obama predicting the Steelers to repeat as Super Bowl champs as he walks on water?

Which one walks on water, you may ask? Flip a coin, I guess…

I am compelled to confess at this point in the proceedings that my two favorite teams are the Chicago Bears and the Tampa Bay Bucs, so I can simultaneously express outrage at Coach Dungy’s comments about Chicago’s new franchise quarterback as well as articulate gratitude for his helping to guide Tampa Bay to new heights…until Jon Gruden came along.

Blasphemer!!! Those were Tony’s players that The Evil One known as Chucky won with!!!

Hmmmmm. First off, I thought the GM selected the players, not the coach (unless you’re Mike Holmgren, of course). Second, the simple fact is that Dungy couldn’t get the job done. Gruden could. Same team, better results for Chucky…

Now, let’s move on to Indianapolis. As in Tampa, consistently solid winning percentages followed Coach Dungy year after year. A dynasty in the making? Nope. One Super Bowl victory over a Bears team led by the legendary Rex Grossman. Not exactly the stuff that Hall of Fame coaching legends are made of. Heck, the aforementioned Holmgren got to the Super Bowl with two different franchises, winning one with Green Bay & losing another with Seattle in a badly officiated debacle to the Steelers. Yet Dungy is mentioned as a mortal (or immortal?) lock for Canton while Holmgren might get in if he comes back for one more go-round to pad his numbers.

Again, I stress that Dungy is easily a better man and better coach than this humble sports blogger could ever hope to be. However, every man is flawed and every man can be prideful. Question authority, question your elders, and question those among us who seem too good to be true. In summation, question Tony Dungy because others don’t have the cajones to.

Let us drink…um, pray.