No Need To Panic…

Urlacher is done for the year. Cutler looked lost in Green Bay. We’re still checking to see if Lovie has a pulse. The Steelers, the defending Super Bowl champions, come to town this Sunday afternoon.

Reason to freak out? Not really.

Hey, The Maestro was a bit shaken too after the debacle in Green Bay last Sunday night. However, it was only one game, and it was a game that the Bears were expected to lose anyway. Same goes for this week with Pittsburgh. An 0-2 start was a definite possibility we were all looking at BEFORE the Week One disaster against the Packers.

The Bears can survive without Urlacher. Cutler can only get better (and he will). The issues Chicago really has to address in the coming weeks are as follows:

1) Can Lovie Smith continue to coach up the defense without Urlacher? Smith is a dopey automaton as a head coach, but he can definitely guide a defensive unit. Look at how the D kept the Bears in the game against Green Bay despite Cutler’s picks and the early loss of two starting linebackers. Will Lovie be able to keep this unit focused like that for the next 15 games?

2) Speaking of coaches, can somebody fire Ron Turner already? I’ve seen that stupid middle screen he calls constantly burn Grossman, Orton, and now Cutler. Yet Turner continues to keep it in the playbook. Yes, the receivers are young and inexperienced, but a good o-coordinator should be able to overcome that to some extent. Turner can’t. He needs to take the fall this year if the offense continues to struggle. If Jay Cutler stinks after working with a new coordinator next season, then we can write him off too…

3) Will Jerry Angelo keep sitting on his butt, patting himself on the back for the Cutler deal, or will he go out and try to make this team better immediately? Yes, Derrick Brooks, Amani Toomer, and Marvin Harrison are getting old, but this team needs help NOW. Without a #1 pick next year, contingency plans have to kick in after that embarrassing Packers loss. A minimal amount of cap space will get you Brooks, Toomer, and Harrison to help out this year. If one or two of the trio pan out, Angelo looks like a genius again. If he does nothing, Jerry is obviously the Vanderbilt-obsessed moron some of us think he truly is…

There you go, Bears fans. Chill out, take the Pittsburgh spanking with class (“Thank you, Ben!!! May I have another?!?!”), and look forward to the rest of the year with some measure of optimism. The playoffs may not loom for us this season, but the future’s so bright, I gotta wear my Devin Hester jersey with pride everywhere!!!

The Maestro’s 2009 NFL Picks & Predictions

Well, I’m typing out this blog post at 8:55 PM on Thursday, September 10, 2009 - the Steelers & Titans have each had the ball twice, and the NFL season is officially game on!!! What better time than now for all of you denizens of the blogosphere to feast on The Maestro’s full-season prognostications?!?!

2009 AFC Division Winners: Titans, Chargers, Patriots, Steelers
2009 AFC Wild Card Teams: Colts, Ravens

No big shockers here. There just doesn’t seem to be any positive buzz surrounding the rest of the squads in the AFC. With Tom Brady & Shawne Merriman healthy, the Patriots and Chargers should meet in the AFC Championship, and despite Norv Turner’s worst intentions, Philip Rivers & LT will get San Diego to the Super Bowl…

Other AFC Notes: Peyton Manning will struggle a bit with a weak offensive line - he may even get hurt and (gasp) miss a game or two. Miami will fall back to the pack this year, and the ‘Wildcat’ formation will prove to be a quickly fading fad (fingers crossed). Following in the footsteps of Romeo Crennel, Charlie Weis, and Eric Mangini, Scott Pioli in Kansas City & Josh McDaniels in Denver will once again prove that the fruit falls very, very far from the Bill Belichick tree.

2009 NFC Division Winners: Eagles, Saints, Packers, Seahawks
2009 NFC Wild Card Teams: Falcons, Vikings

The power has clearly shifted to the NFC. With Jay Cutler, Albert Haynesworth, Tony Gonzalez, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, and Brett Favre jumping ship, the AFC looks a bit thin – no offense, Kyle Orton. Some really good teams (Giants, Cardinals, Bears) will be on the outside looking in. Look for the Eagles and Packers in the NFC Championship; “The Redemption Bowl” will feature Aaron Rodgers & Green Bay triumphing over Michael Vick & Philly.

Other NFC Notes: Favre will be a monumental headache for Minnesota; they’ll get into the playoffs as a Wild Card only because of Adrian Peterson & a solid defensive unit. Dallas will need a major overhaul (See ya, Wade Phillips! Bye, Roy Williams! You’re on notice, Tony Romo!) after a mediocre season. The NFC West will still be unbelievably weak when compared to the other three divisions. Tampa Bay will edge Detroit and St. Louis for worst record in the conference.

Super Bowl: Chargers over Packers
MVP: Philip Rivers edges Aaron Rodgers and Adrian Peterson

As always, comments and criticisms are welcome - remember to watch our weekly picks throughout the season on YouTube, kids!!!

The Maestro’s Late Summer Rants

Yes, I know I’ve been away for too long, people…time to get back in blogging shape!!! Here are the sports stories from the last few weeks that have The Maestro fuming…

Rick Pitino, The Arrogant One: Dude, stop talking about the salad bar tryst you had with the woman you paid off to get an abortion. Stop saying everything is a lie except what comes from you. Maybe I’m a cynic, but the ‘concrete’ statement she made to the police rings true. Notice the resemblance between ‘Don’ Pitino and Al Pacino circa “The Godfather, Part II”??? Me too…

Brett Favre, The Excuse Maker: The yearly retirement waffling is bad enough, Wrangler Man. Now you’ve got to give us a list of physical ailments that you can use as built-in excuses for poor performance once the regular season begins? Cracked ribs, torn rotator cuff, creaky elbow, small balls…whatever. Get over it and play. Urlacher & Briggs are waitin’ for ya, bud…

Michael Vick, The Persecuted Man: Okay, I agree with the basic tenet that every person makes mistakes and deserves a second chance. I’ll even give Mike a pass on the Grey Goose incident (although I concur with Tony Dungy - you can’t do that). However, let’s not play the race card on this one, people. The NAACP has no place staging rallies for Vick outside of Eagles games just because PETA may be there to protest as well. This debacle is yet another example of how the NAACP (along with the ACLU and most labor unions) always goes too far in ‘protecting their own’…

Donovan McNabb, He Who Wants To Have His Cake & Eat It Too: Speaking of Vick, you’ve gotta love the ‘throat slash’ McNabb used on his o-coordinator to essentially end Mike’s first preseason appearance with Philly. News flash, Donovan - you can’t lobby for your team to pick up a guy (another QB, no less) and then decide six plays into his first game that ‘there’s no rhythm’. That excuse may work with Vanilla Ice, but not here…

Milton Bradley, The OTHER Persecuted Man: No, Milton - Cubs fans aren’t booing because you’re black. They’re giving you the catcall treatment because you’re petulant, you’ve underperformed, and you’re just a nasty person. When Tim McCarver (among others) says the Cubs should eat the $20 mil left on your deal & cut you after the season, maybe the man in the mirror is the one you should be chastising…

Mark Martin, The Gambler: You’re not old enough to use senility as an excuse, bud. When you have a chance to lock down a Chase spot (as you did at Michigan a few weeks back), play it safe! If your crew chief wants to gamble on fuel, tell him to kiss your wrinkled ass and pull into the pits for a top-off!!!

Lou Holtz & Beano Cook, The Two Stooges: Notre Dame in the BCS Championship? Really? We all know Holtz is a blatant homer, but enough is enough. Great coach, terrible analyst. And Beano? How the hell is he still allowed in front of a television camera? His turkey waddle scares my kid, and his ‘Ron Powlus will win multiple Heisman Trophies’ prediction scarred me for life…

Well, now I feel better. Hey, be sure to check out “Sports Frenzy 2.0” on YouTube for the latest vitriol from the rest of the crew. After all, The Maestro simply conducts…The Conquistador, The Elder Statesman, Huggy Bear, The Cleveland Kid, and Mr. 300 are the REALLY angry ones!!!