The Maestro’s Late Summer Rants

Yes, I know I’ve been away for too long, people…time to get back in blogging shape!!! Here are the sports stories from the last few weeks that have The Maestro fuming…

Rick Pitino, The Arrogant One: Dude, stop talking about the salad bar tryst you had with the woman you paid off to get an abortion. Stop saying everything is a lie except what comes from you. Maybe I’m a cynic, but the ‘concrete’ statement she made to the police rings true. Notice the resemblance between ‘Don’ Pitino and Al Pacino circa “The Godfather, Part II”??? Me too…

Brett Favre, The Excuse Maker: The yearly retirement waffling is bad enough, Wrangler Man. Now you’ve got to give us a list of physical ailments that you can use as built-in excuses for poor performance once the regular season begins? Cracked ribs, torn rotator cuff, creaky elbow, small balls…whatever. Get over it and play. Urlacher & Briggs are waitin’ for ya, bud…

Michael Vick, The Persecuted Man: Okay, I agree with the basic tenet that every person makes mistakes and deserves a second chance. I’ll even give Mike a pass on the Grey Goose incident (although I concur with Tony Dungy - you can’t do that). However, let’s not play the race card on this one, people. The NAACP has no place staging rallies for Vick outside of Eagles games just because PETA may be there to protest as well. This debacle is yet another example of how the NAACP (along with the ACLU and most labor unions) always goes too far in ‘protecting their own’…

Donovan McNabb, He Who Wants To Have His Cake & Eat It Too: Speaking of Vick, you’ve gotta love the ‘throat slash’ McNabb used on his o-coordinator to essentially end Mike’s first preseason appearance with Philly. News flash, Donovan - you can’t lobby for your team to pick up a guy (another QB, no less) and then decide six plays into his first game that ‘there’s no rhythm’. That excuse may work with Vanilla Ice, but not here…

Milton Bradley, The OTHER Persecuted Man: No, Milton - Cubs fans aren’t booing because you’re black. They’re giving you the catcall treatment because you’re petulant, you’ve underperformed, and you’re just a nasty person. When Tim McCarver (among others) says the Cubs should eat the $20 mil left on your deal & cut you after the season, maybe the man in the mirror is the one you should be chastising…

Mark Martin, The Gambler: You’re not old enough to use senility as an excuse, bud. When you have a chance to lock down a Chase spot (as you did at Michigan a few weeks back), play it safe! If your crew chief wants to gamble on fuel, tell him to kiss your wrinkled ass and pull into the pits for a top-off!!!

Lou Holtz & Beano Cook, The Two Stooges: Notre Dame in the BCS Championship? Really? We all know Holtz is a blatant homer, but enough is enough. Great coach, terrible analyst. And Beano? How the hell is he still allowed in front of a television camera? His turkey waddle scares my kid, and his ‘Ron Powlus will win multiple Heisman Trophies’ prediction scarred me for life…

Well, now I feel better. Hey, be sure to check out “Sports Frenzy 2.0” on YouTube for the latest vitriol from the rest of the crew. After all, The Maestro simply conducts…The Conquistador, The Elder Statesman, Huggy Bear, The Cleveland Kid, and Mr. 300 are the REALLY angry ones!!!

Perfect!!!

Perfect history on a perfect afternoon. One of the rarest feats in all of sports was accomplished yesterday afternoon on the South Side of Chicago when White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle retired the Tampa Bay Rays in order, 27 up and 27 down. Only the 18th perfect game pitched in Major League Baseball history (the first since 2004), Buehrle backed up his no hitter last year against the Texas Rangers. In that game, Buehrle walked only 1 batter, Sammy Sosa, and promptly picked him off first base.

What Mark did yesterday was a thing of beauty. It was not only his pitching ability, but the overall defensive performance by the team. What also makes this a special game was that not all of the White Sox regulars were playing on what was called a getaway day as the club prepared to leave for Detroit after the game. Josh Fields (hit a grand slam) played first in place of Paul Konerko and Ramon Castro catching in place of A.J. Pierzynski.

Dewayne Wise made THE CATCH of the season and probably his career by leaping the fence and taking a home run away from Gabe Kapler leading off the 9th inning. This was the first inning that Wise played, coming in as a defensive replacement. As a huge Sox fan, I have been very critical of the organization's decision to keep Wise around this season. I was more impressed with Brian Anderson’s defense, and Anderson was hitting a moderately better .238 to Wise’s .196 before Anderson was sent to the minors. After yesterday, I will cut Dewayne some slack for a few days. The determination he showed in going after that ball and the concentration he displayed in holding on to it have earned him that...

Congratulations to Mark Buehrle and thank you Dewayne Wise! You have made all of us White Sox fans proud!!!

Plundering The Pirates – Why Pittsburgh Should Lose Their Baseball Team

Settle down, Western Pennsylvanians…this is not an indictment of Pittsburgh fans. You do a fantastic job of supporting the Steelers & Penguins, and those two wonderful franchises, in turn, give you superstars to root for and championships to cherish...

What then do we make of the miserable Pirates? The 2009 season has already turned into one of the ugliest on record for a modern-era major league baseball team…no, not necessarily in wins versus losses but in the disgusting cowardice the front office has shown in shipping talented players out of town well before the trading deadline in a pathetic display of blatant disregard for season-ticket holders in particular & Pitt fans in general...

Nate McLouth, Nyjer Morgan, Eric Hinske, and Adam LaRoche have already been traded away this year (for mediocre prospects), and now Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez are most likely headed out of town in the next week because they wouldn’t accept insulting contract extensions (“Hey, guys…please take less money next year and we’ll tack on another year or two in the 5th Ring of Hell for ya!!!”). I hate the Yankees and their free-spending ways as much as the next guy, but I also find it ridiculous that they have to subsidize a team like the Pirates that continues to thumb its nose at Bud Selig...

The solution…ship ‘em out. The NBA is not exactly financially sound right now, but at least David Stern acknowledges (quickly) when a franchise is failing & (quickly) facilitates a move (see Seattle to Oklahoma City, Charlotte to New Orleans, Vancouver to Memphis). We don’t need another Montreal Expos debacle, Mr. Selig (look how long that mess dragged out before the team moved to D.C.); invoke the ‘best interest of baseball’ clause and get the Pirates relocated to Portland or Vegas NOW!!!

As a Cubs fan, I understand your frustration, Pirates supporter...I really do. However, the Cubs actually TRY to field a winning team (it rarely works out well, but the effort is there). In fact, we were the beneficiaries of one of your infamous Pittsburgh fire sales a few years back (in a pair of 2003 deals, we essentially got Kenny Lofton, Randall Simon, and Aramis Ramirez for a pack of Big League Chew and Bobby Hill). That being said, the sports community is better as a whole when each & every franchise puts forth a decent effort to field a competitive team. Eventually, the Nationals will get their act together and the Royals will land a manager who can figure out what to do with the young players the front office tries to keep & nurture. What’s the Pirates’ excuse???

Las Vegas Scorpions. Portland Lumberjacks. Which one do you prefer, Pittsburgh? The minute Bud Selig grows a pair, your team is heading west. In the meantime, take solace in the immortal words of Meatloaf - two out of three ain’t bad...

Stringer vs. Riddell Inc.

Eight years. That’s how long it has been since the unfortunate death of Korey Stringer, Vikings offensive lineman, to heat stroke during training camp. Eight years and his family is now suing Riddell Inc., the company that made the helmet and shoulder pads worn by Korey at the time of his death. His death was not due to his equipment, but to not drinking enough water or letting his coaches know how he was feeling.

Last week in Ohio, U.S. District Court judge John D. Holschuh wrote it was "reasonably foreseeable ... that a user of [Riddell's] helmets and shoulder pads during extremely hot and humid conditions might suffer from a heat stroke." And that Riddell Inc. “owed Stringer a duty to warn” that its helmets and shoulder pads could contribute to heat stroke when used in hot conditions and the case would go to jury trial. They had a duty to warn him? This young man played football most of his life in helmets and shoulder pads and knew that he would get hot while wearing them. When the hell does personal responsibility come in to play? Why should the company that made the equipment be held accountable for not warning him he could get heat stroke? As a country, are we becoming that stupid that we have to have our hands held in every area of our lives?

Stringer Family attorney, Paul DeMarco said, "Any manufacturer who sells football helmets and shoulder pads without a heat stroke warning, knowing they're being used in extreme heat, does so at its peril. The same goes for leagues, coaches, and equipment managers who permit such equipment to be used without heat stroke warnings."

Ok, I will agree that leagues and coaches should have responsibility to make sure their players are aware of the possibility of heat stroke and should make sure every player gets plenty of water and periodic rest during high heat and humid conditions. But holding equipment manufacturers responsible is insane.

This harkens back to McDonalds coffee is hot… no kidding. How many of you were appalled and outraged by that lawsuit? This lawsuit is along the same lines. This is the reason lawyers are so disliked and costs continue to escalate. WHERE DOES PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY COME BACK INTO PLAY!?!? I guess in today’s society everyone else is to blame.

You know what? I had a softball take a bad bounce Friday night during my game and it hit me in the shin causing a subdural hematoma. I think I will sue the maker of the softball for pain and suffering.

Woke Up Without Woods...

Image Courtesy Robert Beck/Sports Illustrated
The golf community collectively groaned Friday afternoon as Tiger Woods, the savior of the game, missed the cut at the British Open. How can we go on? If Tiger’s not involved, who will watch? Who will care?

The Maestro will. In fact, I think it’s fantastic that we can tune in to a major tournament without having the television coverage dominated by Woods. Talking heads like ESPN’s Mike Tirico would have you believe it’s not only appropriate for the mass media to cover Tiger as much as possible during a tournament...it’s their obligation!!!

This is the same ridiculous thinking that pushes Fox to feature the New York Yankees and/or Boston Red Sox on virtually every Saturday afternoon national baseball broadcast and NBC to try to snare the Dallas Cowboys for as many Sunday night football battles as possible. Let the Clippers and Grizzlies rot in basketball purgatory…we want the Lakers!!!

The media should NEVER show out-and-out favoritism (sorry, Barack…this means you too). Despite all the slants and angles offered up by CNBC, CNN, and Fox News, reporting (sports included) should be as unbiased and equal as possible. Yes, champions will always get more attention, winners will always get more accolades, and big city teams will always have more people following them based on population numbers alone (Green Bay and Pittsburgh being the exquisite exceptions to the rule). However, a sports league or association is supposed to be co-operative by nature. Just ask Bud Selig now that he faces thousands upon thousands of empty seats every night because the New York teams think they’re above the economy and Pirates, Nationals, & Royals fans know their teams can never compete. Better yet, look at all the grief David Stern went through trying to find the ‘next Michael Jordan’; Kobe & LeBron were coming down the pipe, but the media & Stern were so frantic to hoist a new MJ above the masses like Simba in “The Lion King” that they nearly destroyed the sport...

Heading back to the links, I readily acknowledge that Tiger Woods is the best golfer on the planet, and probably the best ever. But to tear down an entire sport week after week for the sake of one player (or team) is abject stupidity. It’s now mid-afternoon on Saturday, July 18, 2009…the third round of the British Open is in the books. The leaderboard features a few of the usual suspects (Retief Goosen, Jim Furyk) near the top, as well as a couple of relative unknowns (Mathew Goggin, Ross Fisher) thrown in the mix for good measure. Yes, Tiger Woods is nowhere to be found, but 59-year-old Tom Watson (-4) leads the pack going into Sunday...

Sit back and get something to eat, Eldrick - the last round of this major is better off without you...

When a Major is a Minor...

So the 2009 U.S. Open has come and gone. Tiger didn’t contend. Phil made a run but came up short. Who topped arguably the two best golfers in the world? Lucas Glover. Not Luke Skywalker. Not Danny Glover. Not George Lucas. Not Crispin Glover. Lucas “I’ll Never Win Another Major” Glover...

Image Courtesy The Huffington Post
Don’t get me wrong. Those who know my opinions on golf (and now you, faithful blog reader) know that I hate the tunnel vision the PGA & the television networks take towards any tournament Tiger is in. Tiger could be clipping a hangnail off the 14th green and it would be featured (and endlessly repeated & looped) on “SportsCenter” and “60 Minutes” for the next five days. I root against Tiger. He’s the greatest golfer ever. But I want him to fail because he’s in control of the PGA Tour, not vice versa as it should be...

But I digress. My real problem with Lucas Glover winning the ’09 U.S. Open is simple. Zach Johnson at the ’07 Masters. Michael Campbell at the ’05 U.S. Open. Todd Hamilton at the ’04 British Open. Ben Curtis at the ’03 British Open. Shaun Micheel at the ’03 PGA Championship.

I don’t begrudge a good Cinderella story in any team sport, but individual sports flow differently. If you have the mental toughness and straight-up cajones to win a major in golf (or tennis, for that matter), you should be able to contend for the big money in your sport for at least the next decade. No exceptions. This ‘one and done’ crap we’ve been getting in golf outside of Tiger, Phil, and a few select others hurts the sport almost as much as Tiger dominating the cameras & the crowns. Guys like Micheel, Curtis, and now Glover need to step up for more than just their 4 shining days in the sun (or 5 in the overcast gloom if you’re Lucas). While Tiger’s cashing in his Dubai checks or just playing the apathy card, these ‘young guns’ need to keep us interested in more than just four professional tournaments a year. They need to be the vanguard for the future of golf. Tiger is Darth. Lucas needs to be Luke...

Who’s your daddy, Mr. Glover?

The Summer of the Maestro’s Discontent

Image Courtesy Baseball Hall of Fame
Wow. It wasn’t enough that the Orlando Magic teased me like Megan Fox in all of her release party “Transformers” pics, but now the hammer has officially fallen on this humble blogger’s head. My second favorite Cub has been busted...Sammy Sosa used PEDs, according to the New York Times. Thank the heavens & Harry Carey that I never renounced my ultimate devotion to Ryno...hey, put the needle down, Sandberg!!!

Anywho, I’m not naïve (except when it comes to the universally-shared middle-age male fallacy that I could still be attractive to 98% of women...Megan Fox included...with just a sly turn of phase and a manly toss of my thinning hair) but I still wanted to hold out hope that the “I don’t speak English” crap from the Congressional hearings a few years back was the act of a stupid man, not a cheating man (hey, there’s a country song in there somewhere)...

So now Sosa joins McGwire, Palmeiro, Tejada, Giambi, A-Rod, and all the rest of the charlatans of baseball who duped us for over a decade. I could go into how New York Yankee rogues seem to get a lighter guilt trip from the media than those from the Midwest (“Pretty Boy” Alex vs. Big “I’m Not Here To Talk About The Past” Mac in a handicap match!), but what’s the point? They’re all basically liars and scum. Unfortunately, I’m convinced that a few will find a way into the Hall of Fame (here’s betting that Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez somehow get a bust after being busted). Not Slammin’ Sammy, though. His homer hop & impish grin will fade into obscurity like mood rings & Vanilla Ice.

This I swear - if Jay Cutler breaks his leg in training camp, I’m switching from sports to macramé...or macaroni...or Macarena...

Should’ve Left Well Enough Alone…

All true Cubs fans want to win. The drunk college kids in the bleachers who pretend to be Cubbie supporters will drink fourteen Old Styles whether the score is 12-0 or 2-1, but those of us who bleed blue & red just want this Goat/Bartman/Garvey thing to go away and want the Northsiders to WIN A FREAKIN’ WORLD SERIES ALREADY!!!

Ahem…anyway, it is just after 5:00 PM EST and I have witnessed yet another disappointing loss (in this case, to the Twins 2-0, where the mighty Cubs offense could muster only 5 hits and zero runs) in what is rapidly turning into Season of Discontent #101. Who’s to blame? I can’t call Lou out. He can only do so much with what he’s given. Therefore and ergo, I blame the giver…

AP Photo/M. Spencer Green
Mr. Jim Hendry. I supported you through the brilliant trade for Randall Simon, Aramis Ramirez, and Kenny Lofton years ago. I thought you were a genius for the Alfonso Soriano signing (oops…my bad). Harden, DeRosa, Reed Johnson…all strokes of genius. Now, I look back at the last year & a half and I wonder if you didn’t sustain a severe blow to the head right before you fell in love with Kosuke Fukudome…

Hell, I can even forgive the Fukudome deal. You took a shot, right? Hey, you wouldn’t be the first GM to get hosed by a ‘can’t miss’ prospect from the Far East. But some of the acts you have perpetrated recently (especially over the last eight months) make me wonder if a rubber room in the press box at Wrigley needs to be constructed just for you.

First, let’s chat about the man who played you like a board game, Milton Bradley. I screamed and yelled for you to take a hard look at Bobby Abreu…a cheaper option with more speed and a hitter still capable of a solid .300/20/80 year…but NOOOOOOOO. You ignored Bradley’s temperament and lack of consistent time in the field and threw money at him. The result as of June 13, 2009? A .226 batting average, an abysmal .380 slugging percentage, and a whopping 16 RBI. Wow – two more years of this and Cub fans will be playing Life and Chutes & Ladders instead of attending games at Wrigley Field…

Second, shipping Mark DeRosa out of town simply because he was going into the last year of his contract was Gump-like, without the unintended & naïve positive twist result. Every time his erstwhile replacement, Aaron Miles, takes the field, I cringe. If Tony LaRussa dumped the guy, why would you think he’d be a stud for us?!?! Wait…maybe that’s the ticket. It’s sabotage! Those stinkin’ Cardinals!!!

Third, and finally, Aaron Heilman, savior of the bullpen…enough said.

If things keep going like this in ’09, you may need to reserve a seat (fully equipped with buckled restraints, of course) for me in that ultra-cool safe room they’re gonna build you, buddy…

Frenzy Fallout - 6/10/09

Love the fact that the Magic were able to bounce back & win Game 3 of the NBA Finals.
Hate the fact that they blew a couple of great shots (thanks, Courtney) at winning Game 2 in Los Angeles.
Love the fact that Orlando set a Finals record with 62.5 percent FG shooting in Game 3.
Hate the fact that they still only won Game 3 by four points.
Love the fact that Stan Van Gundy has a wicked sense of humor.
Hate the fact that the Magic will still lose the series in six games...

A Moment with “Holier Than Thou” Tony

I feel so dirty. I must be a sinner. Why? Well, I guess it boils down to the fact that I don’t think I could ever live up to the high and pious standard of human existence that Tony Dungy has established for me, let alone for the rest of humanity. I mean, if Pope Tony is going to call out Jay Cutler for a little nighttime partying on Rush Street, what hope is there for the rest of us???

Okay, I admit that I’m being a bit sarcastic here, but I’ve never been on the “Tony Dungy Traveling Snake Oil Bandwagon” like most pundits and players in and around the professional football world. I know that he’s done wonderful things for various churches, charities, and communities far & wide, but then again, so did Jimmie Swaggart and Jim Bakker.

NOTE: Please keep your distance with the pitchforks and torches until I explain myself, kids!!!

First, let’s take a look at Coach Dungy through the same humble eyes he professes to gaze upon God’s realm with. Michael Vick, a perjuring animal abuser, has somehow earned Dungy’s forgiveness & well wishes because he went to jail for a few years and came out a ‘changed man’; Jay Cutler, however, will burn in Satan’s realm for all eternity because he likes to go out and down a few shots after practice.

Give Tony some thick glasses, a frumpy dress, and a goofy wig, and we’ve got the Second Coming of the Church Lady!!!

Seriously, is this the insight we can expect from Dungy as a studio commentator? What pearls of wisdom can we look forward to next? Will he break the story on President Obama predicting the Steelers to repeat as Super Bowl champs as he walks on water?

Which one walks on water, you may ask? Flip a coin, I guess…

I am compelled to confess at this point in the proceedings that my two favorite teams are the Chicago Bears and the Tampa Bay Bucs, so I can simultaneously express outrage at Coach Dungy’s comments about Chicago’s new franchise quarterback as well as articulate gratitude for his helping to guide Tampa Bay to new heights…until Jon Gruden came along.

Blasphemer!!! Those were Tony’s players that The Evil One known as Chucky won with!!!

Hmmmmm. First off, I thought the GM selected the players, not the coach (unless you’re Mike Holmgren, of course). Second, the simple fact is that Dungy couldn’t get the job done. Gruden could. Same team, better results for Chucky…

Now, let’s move on to Indianapolis. As in Tampa, consistently solid winning percentages followed Coach Dungy year after year. A dynasty in the making? Nope. One Super Bowl victory over a Bears team led by the legendary Rex Grossman. Not exactly the stuff that Hall of Fame coaching legends are made of. Heck, the aforementioned Holmgren got to the Super Bowl with two different franchises, winning one with Green Bay & losing another with Seattle in a badly officiated debacle to the Steelers. Yet Dungy is mentioned as a mortal (or immortal?) lock for Canton while Holmgren might get in if he comes back for one more go-round to pad his numbers.

Again, I stress that Dungy is easily a better man and better coach than this humble sports blogger could ever hope to be. However, every man is flawed and every man can be prideful. Question authority, question your elders, and question those among us who seem too good to be true. In summation, question Tony Dungy because others don’t have the cajones to.

Let us drink…um, pray.

Could This Be Magic or Could This Be…Kobe?

The Scorpions, those balding yet mullet-enhanced immortal metal gods from Germany, graced us with a tune some years back entitled "Tease Me, Please Me"...and it was good. As a theme song for the Chicago Cubs? We'll save that for another post...or maybe 400 of them. For now, let’s just say that the tune would be appropriate as a stadium-rousing statement for the 2008-2009 Orlando Magic.

As a self-proclaimed (and cynical) Magic fan, I would have to say Game 1 of the 2009 NBA Finals could best be described as an emotional crapshoot. Hey, we weren’t even supposed to be here, right? Ask Paul Pierce and LeBron 'I Can Pout Because I’m The Face of the NBA' James.

The first quarter Thursday night against the Lakers was satisfying enough – a tough, hard-fought period where Orlando grabbed a slim lead and led us Magic diehards to believe that we had a shot at stealing a game out in La-La Land. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Photo courtesy ESPN/Jeff Gross/Getty Images
Granted, the boys from the Realm of Mickey (Southeastern Branch, not Western) started off slowly against Boston and Cleveland as well, but this one feels different. I am not a Bynum/Gasol proponent by any means, but Dwight Howard looks to be in trouble on the defensive end against the two-headed 'Hydra of Mediocrity' that Pau and Andrew represent for the sometimes-interested city of Los Angeles. In fact, they give the Hollywood boys an edge that Big Ben & Z in Cleveland and the Powe/Perkins tandem in Boston couldn’t hope to match.

Maybe the Magic have hit the wall. Maybe they’ll surprise us all yet again. After all, they’ve already exceeded expectations and achieved what Shaq and Penny could only pull off once before in Orlando’s brief professional basketball history.

That being said, make it hard for Kobe. Make him work for it. Just like you made Rajon Rondo and Ray Allen sweat it out. Just like you made the King and His Minions toil and slog. Those of us who remember the NBA of Jordan, Magic, Bird, and Dr. J are still skeptical about David Stern’s hype machine and the touting of Kobe (and LeBron) as the best the game has ever offered. TV ratings may be better with Bryant involved, but I’m skeptical as to whether the game itself is a better product...